Hello everyone! I am back from a lovely vacation! I actually didn't write as much as I wanted, however, I did outline quite a bit so I am pleased with that. As I have said before, this is my COMPLETE rewrite. I have only edited and rewrote pieces of CUTLASS since I was a Freshman in High School (and we all know I just graduate college). This was a huge step for me and I cried bitter tears. BITTER. I almost destroyed everything I wrote on the other story. I got as far as piling it up on the floor. I also change my Facebook to saying I wasn't a writer anymore. I basically didn't want a part of anything involving my writing because I felt so defeated.
I am sharing this with you because this was the lowest I have ever felt about my writing. There have been times when I wasn't sure about my writing, but I kept on going and never seriously considered giving up, but this feeling was different. I was both broken and lost. It came at a time when I was graduating and realized I had a degree in English Writing that I didn't know what to do with because I obviously wasn't ready for publication. That was a very hard realization, and since it has been my ONLY goal for a career for about nine years, what was I going to do?
Then, I'm not sure what happened. I exchanged a few e-mails with the wonderful and amazing Barbara Kloss and I began thinking about everything in my book and the things I had wanted to change for a long time. Before, I didn't now how...before it wasn't possible because CUTLASS in its old phase was a book I had written when I was younger, when I had less education...I was a different person. I needed this rewrite because I needed to fall in love with my story and with my characters again.
I like to believe that everything happens for a reason. One day I was reading through blogs and came to Barbara's blog and she has just posted that if we would like to read her book Gaia's Secret, she would give us a code and we could get the book for free. I read the book in about a day or two...(I couldn't live a normal life until it was finished, actually). Then I tweeted and e-mailed her about how amazing it was. Without her, I'm not sure I would have rewritten my book.
I'm 150 pages in...my goal had been to be at 200, but being in Peru and getting used to another creative space takes some time, so I wasn't able to write like I wanted. I'm very excited about where my book is going...but things feel different. Before I was focused on the end result of my novel...the agents, the publication...now I'm focused on the novel. I haven't even thought about agents yet or the grueling process of writing that query letter (which I STRUGGLE with so much, and so often asked for critiques on my blog), but I don't dread it...I just want to be a great writer.
I hope all of you have people around you to encourage you and keep you going like I do. All of my bloggers, friends, and my boyfriend help me so much. I stay motivated even when I feel lost and sad.