I know the topic of my blog is a little weird, huh? Well, not for me recently. I was diagnosed a few weeks ago with General Anxiety Disorder (yeah, it means exactly what you think, I am GENERALLY anxious). I guess you get diagnosed when your anxiety is affecting your daily life.
So, initially I thought I was stupid. I felt like, "Man, Ashley, this is something YOU can control. You are making yourself this anxious. Stop!"
Well, the problem is, I don't know HOW to stop myself. I have no coping mechanism for when I get really stressed out.
I take that back--my only coping mechanism is writing, but when I get so busy with school, work, and whatever else is happening in my life, I cannot always write. So, when that is taken away from me, I am left with a struggle between my thoughts and my body. My stress weighs so heavily upon my chest, I can FEEL the pressure. All I do is suffer through it.
An example is that I put so much pressure on myself to be absolutely great at everything. Everything I do has no other option other than you either do this or you fail (this is like when you are in the driver's seat, and you only look straight ahead, but as a passenger, you can see everything on either side of you)...I can't ever BE the passenger. I know exactly where I got this mentality, too--from my childhood. I had this whole, "Well, if you don't get a job, you can have what you need or want" so you better get a job. Then it was "Well, you need a car or you can't get to work, so you have to save for a car, and you have to work 30 hours a week" then it was "Now you have to pay for that car, so work more, more, more" Then it was "You need to work REALLY hard for this scholarship or you can't go to OU."
See my options? I gave myself NO leeway even if there was room. This has carried over into my adult life, and frankly I am tired of it. I want to cope with this anxiety and SEE the other options out there. I don't want to feel overwhelmed anymore by my own doing. Why am I telling you this?
Well, I think it's very important to realize when you have a problem. Me--well, my professor told me as a freshman I probably needed therapy because I stressed out SO much and it took me four years to listen. So, here I am--my first counseling appointment down and I am hopeful that I will be mentally healthy soon.
This step is all a part of an overall goal I set for myself in May: I wanted to be healthy in body and in my mind. So, I began working out (more on a routine this time), and I started eating healthy (completely, cutting out soda and coffee), and now I am getting help with my anxiety.