Monday, February 27, 2012

Query Revisited!

Okay. I revised my query and I got this:


Barren Reed, a pirate and notorious enemy of the government never thought searching the Orient for his father’s treasure could kill him. Though, the agonizing voices in his nightmares, pleading for his help should have been a clue.

Motivated to search for its whereabouts, Barren will uncover a bitter feud between his parents, and what he originally thought to be treasure, is actually a cursed device.  Barren’s mother, an Elf, skilled in the magic of dark arts, forged a gift for her lover, Jess. Suspecting him to be unfaithful, she warned him of a curse that would be enacted if he did not return to her. The curse would lead his family to face untimely deaths. Not heeding the warning, Jess retuned only once to bury the gift in the Elvish soil of Aurum, allowing the curse to corrupt and kill Barren’s kin slowly.

With his father already overcome by his mother’s curse, Barren’s wife, closest friend, and entire kin slowly being consumed by the evil device, he will stop at nothing to see this long-time feud end. There is only one problem—if Barren destroys his mother’s device, the curse will pass to him in its entirety, and kill him. Barren must make a choice—cease to exist himself, or watch his world waste away. 


Okay, suggestions? One thing I wasn't sure of was if the voice of my character was in here enough. I mean, I write from third person POV and have several characters who are at the forefront of this novel. I feel like this answers some questions posed last time. 

Any help is appreciated! :) 

I'm off to write an essay...blah!

15 comments:

  1. Is this the one you sent to me? The most recent one? I have thoughts so I'll go check my email and get back to you. ;)

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    1. Yes! I'm gonna get to yours soon! :) And your critiques!

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  2. I could give some nit-picky critiques, but overall I think this sounds good. :)

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    1. lol. I'm not nit-picky, so someone has to help me with those! ;) Thank you!

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  3. I would take out "enemy of the government" since I don't see it mentioned again with relevance.

    I'm put a comma in, take a comma out type, always uncertain about commas, but the second paragraph seems comma heavy. It could just be me.

    I hope I wasn't too nit-picky since I do like this.

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    1. Cool! Thank you. Yeah...I'm so focused on the content, I didn't think about grammar. Thank you so much!

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    2. Commas were my nit-picky thing, too. I'd add a comma after enemy of the government. Then I'd take out the commas in the next sentence. If you need any, keep the second one and add one after 'help.'

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  4. This is better, a lot more developing details that make it more interesting. Jess was Barren's father right? I was a little confused when I saw the name in connection with being his mother's lover because I initially thought there was Barren's father then a lover she had named Jess, so I'd make it clearer that Jess is Barren's father.

    Question - how come his closest friend is succumbing to the curse if its supposed to affect only blood relatives?

    Also, did Barren know about the treasure being evil all along or did the voices he hears clue him in? What was his initial motivation to search for it? I think that can be made a little clearer.

    And I guess if its really a curse that would take out his family I would not call it a "gift" and I wonder why he took it only to come back and bury it, did Jess know all along what the "gift" would do to him?

    Being grammatically nitpicky you don't need a comma after Though and pleading in the first paragraph.

    Overall I think it's a great improvement =)

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    1. All your questions can be answered, and they were things I didn't know how to address. This is why it's hard for me to write this query. Jess is Barren's father. Sysara is Barren's mother. He didn't know about his mother until he begins looking for his father's treasure (this is another reason he begins looking for the 'treasure.'.

      The curse is not just for Barren's family, it affects all it touches. So, if the device is buried in Aurum, it spreads through the earth, air, water...affects all the Elves. Anyone who has been to Aurum has been poisoned by the curse somehow. That's why his best friend is also under it.

      Barren didn't know what the treasure was--he doesn't remember much about his father because he died when he was young. He knows, basically what the rest of the Orient does. There are reasons for this and Barren's ignorance of his mother--and it all has to do with Jess wanting to keep Barren out of piracy.

      It's called a gift because that is what the intention was--for this object to be a gift to Jess. Sysara was just mistrusting of him, and so placed a spell on it so that if Jess did not return, she could enact the curse. Before the curse, the gift was very beautiful. I'm not sure if the language in the query should reflect that's it's merely a curse?

      Thank you for your help!!

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    2. You're welcome =)I would make it clear that corruption of the device causes not only Barren's kin, but non related people to be afflicted and make it clearer why Barren wants to find this treasure, knowing it's cursed and hurting people beforehand would be a reason, but if you say he doesn't know then there should be other factors motivating his search for it.

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  5. I could get nit-picky with a couple commas and the 'will uncover' at the beginning of the 2nd paragraph should just be 'uncovers' (verb tense). The 'himself' at the end (cease to exist himself) is repetitive. It's clear you're talking about him.

    Otherwise, it sounds good! I got a little bit lost in the 2nd paragraph, and read it a couple times through to see why. You mention the lover, Jess, and how his actions lead to the curse on Barren's family, but I'm not sure how Jess is related to Barren - for curse purposes. I doubt it's important,but then I would take out Jess's name. (Too many character names are never good - try to stick to only two, if possible.)

    And as for voice - I think its okay. I'm just wondering, is your MS mostly about this whole curse thing or is it about Barren's adventure? From this query, I'm thinking the first.

    Good luck! Querying is such a nerve wracking thing... hang in there :)

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    1. Awesome. I'll read over the second paragraph and take out Jess's name. Good, I was worried about the whole voice thing. I'd say it's a mixture of both, really. More wholly centered on this curse, though. The 'adventure' kind of results from that...though I don't think it's and adventure Barren would have taken had he not felt he HAD too. You know?

      Thank you!

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  6. It sounds like a very intriguing and complex plot. That's good! One suggestion- You mentioned that Barren was searching for a treasure but it was actually a cursed object. I might transition that into some kind of explanation such as: As Barren's quest for the treasure progressed, he uncovered . . .
    Hope that helps!

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    1. Awesome! Definitely does help! Thank you! I think the reason I have had such a hard time writing this query is because I wasn't sure what to put in or not...it is so complex...and there are sub-plots that aren't even mentioned in this query that really bring the entire novel together. SO DIFFICULT!

      Thankfully, I've had great feedback!!

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  7. Hey I've given you an award over at my blog :) http://www.lifeisgood-forever21.blogspot.com/2012/02/awards.html

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