Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Jobs! Ugh.

Right now I am applying for jobs. Ugh.

I hope everyone had a wonderful memorial day weekend! I spent three days by my sister's pool. Now I'm sick. :(  But it was fun!

I've began work on my query again. With the help of Jen Daiker and From the Query to the Call e-book, I've written another query!

Barren Reed never thought searching for his father's treasure would kill him.
 Barren is a pirate and a notorious enemy of the government of The Orient. To complicate things, Barren is related to the royal family (the nephew of the King), and that same government is also searching for Jess's treasure. But Barren's greed isn't what motivates his search for the treasure, and his suspicions turns out to be correct when he discovers the treasure is cursed and killing not only his wife and closest friend, but his entire race--the Elves. Barren must destroy the device before everyone's life--including his own--is taken. There's only one problem--the device cannot be destroyed without killing its attacker. Barren must make a choice--watch his wife waste away, or cease to exist himself.

It's very different from the other approaches I've taken. Thanks for everyone's help!! I'm gonna need a lot more. :D

I've also joined the July Blogfest! You can click on the link and see Deana Barnhart's wonderful idea to motivate all of us to write our queries and query agents. :) Excitement.

 Now, I will return to my applications and my book revisions. I have two more chapters to finish writing (which isn't that hard cause they are already written), and a chapter at the end to delete. Then I'm finished, lol. Easy edit. Then I'm gonna read it ALL!!!




  1. I like this version a lot. It seem to command more attention. Good job

  2. The query is shaping up nicely, girl! And that blogfest sounds super. :)

    BTW, I'm tagging you for a meme tomorrow. I know you're busy w/rewrites (me, too, heh) so no rush on getting it up. It'll just be waiting for you when you have time to do it and need an idea for a post. See you soon, and keep up the good work on the WIP! Oh, and good luck on the job hunting, too. :)

  3. I haven't read your previous queries, so this is totally a cold read for me.

    IMHO, your first line needs more oomph as a hook. It's good right now, but it can be better. The hook should tell us right away who's your protag and what stands in his/her way, and ideally, there should be a hint of a resolution without giving away the ending. In an ideal world, right? Hehe. Cause I always have a hard time myself with that.

    I think you can tighten this first line by combining the first two sentences. Something like (my lame attempt):

    Barren Reed, a notorious pirate hunted by The Orient government, must find his father's treasure even if it kills him.

    Since your 2nd sentence doesn't really give us anything more but the fact that he's a pirate, and if you add that info to your first line, then you can cut out the unnecessary line. Gives you more room to expand.

    Just my 2 cents!

  4. Hi ! You are one of my blog followers, and I love your's and have tagged you for a 'Writing is like..." meme. No pressure, only do it if you want to. Check it out at my blog or at thestarvingnovelist.blogspot.com to see Angela Cook's.

  5. HA! Sorry Anita, just saw that... Looks like we both love you Ashley! :D

  6. Your story sounds like a great read! Good luck with the query AND with the job search.

  7. The query sounds great!! Seriously, I *so* want to read your book! I'm with Cherie though, bump up your first sentance and combine it with the second if possible :) I'm going to check out the july Blog-o-rama, sounds like exactly what I need to get my tushy in gear.

    Good luck with the Job hunt and revisions!

  8. Thank you Anita and Marian!!

    Cherie and K.V - thank you, too! I agree. I'll look over it some more. Combining sentences is nothing compared to rewriting it, lol!

    Thanks Sophie and Julie! lol.